How to Give Your Spouse What They Need and Benefit from it

For far too long, I had the following mentality in my marriage:

“My spouse knows what I like and want, why won’t they do it for me?”

After some years and experience in my marriage, this is my new and correct mentality:

“I know what my spouse likes and needs, so I am going to do that for them.”


(Photo by Faith focused, Cheesy-Free Stock Photos)  

I’m a guy, so for me, a lot of what I like and need from my wife deals with the physical. I think a lot of you other husbands can relate to me when I say I chase my wife around admiring her body and looking forward to being intimate with her and, on occasions, having sex. It’s a big part of what I need from her and I look forward to it.

So let’s say you’re tracking along and agree with me. What are some of your thoughts after your wife has given you what you need? First, I always make sure she knows how much I enjoyed it and appreciate it. I also confirm with her that she enjoyed the experience. These should be basic things after a great and intimate experience.

But what do you do, say, the next day? Forget about it? Not talk about?

Anxiously wait for the time that you can get your needs met again?

All of those situations probably do come to your mind, but I want to challenge you with a better idea for after your needs are met. And it goes something like this, “My spouse has met one of my biggest needs, now how can I meet one of their biggest needs?”

Let’s put this into practice.

In keeping with my needs being met above, I now need to move into the state of meeting her needs. Of course, you must know what her big needs are before you can meet them. So if you don’t know what those are, you need to start paying more attention to your wife and asking her what her needs are (wives, please indulge us with these questions and give us honest answers). Once you start to learn them, it’s time to take action.

The action on your part should be what you’re thinking about that next day. Not, when is it your turn again, but knowing and realizing it’s her turn, and also realizing that you will benefit greatly from her turn.

I know my wife loves it when I leave her little love notes or cards for her. I normally try to do this when I’m leaving for work in the morning or when she’s out of the house. I’ll sometimes even set up notes in multiple places that I know she visits often and just let her find them as time goes on. This is a simple thing that I could be doing for her that will only take a few minutes and will also be a huge benefit to our marriage.

When she finds these notes, she knows that I was thinking about her. She knows that I enjoy doing things that she likes and needs. These acts show her how much I love her, rather than just telling her I do.

So what does your spouse need from you?

Lastly, I encourage you to not think about this as a points system or a “must do” system. This back and forth process should be something you want to do in your marriage. Being aware of each others needs and making sure they are met often will only benefit each spouse. It may also not happen back to back every time, but each spouse should be aware of the needs and make sure they are met.

Keep working hard and building a better marriage!

Share a quick tip on how you and your spouse strive to meet each others needs.


  • T. henry

    Paying attention to her is key. Wives don’t always come out and tell you and many times won’t intend to tell. But through paying attention to body language, reactions and General conversation you will see it and if nothing else, YOUR reaction will benefit her and you. It’s about giving to her, not what you get from her.

    • Powerful addition brother! Thank you for sharing. I can’t agree more…

  • PB71

    After nearly four years, I just now learned that her favorite treat is Not chocolates! It’s candy corn! Not expensive chocolates- cheap candy corn!
    She let me think it was chocolate because it’s more a common like and is a little bit good for you/ the antioxidants…
    But why did it take 4 yrs??
    Husband fail!

    • Great story! Hey, the important thing is that you figured it out and you now know how to take action. And, you’re in the perfect season for it! Keep watching and listening…

  • Great post Bryan. I have learned that part of my responsibility as a husband is to make learning about my wife a high priority. And then being disciplined in following through the knowledge I’ve gained!

    • You nailed it Nathan. I pray your marriage continues to get stronger and thank you for adding your thoughts!