Why Married Men Must Dump their Secret Crush

Oh, you don’t know who the secret crush is in your life? Well, maybe that’s because you have become too comfortable with looking forward to seeing the daycare girl, the grocery girl, the after work girl or even the Church girl. Still not following?

Background…

My buddy told me a story the other day about a married friend of his who had a “daycare girl”, and yes it was at the Church daycare. Each time this married man would show up to Church, he would gladly take the kids over to the daycare. Why? Because he wanted to see his “hush” crush. In other words, he looked forward to seeing a woman that worked there that hit all the right points in him. Something about her drew him in, in the worst way. I can’t verify if it was her look, her fragrance, her long or short hair, or just her personality. It was something though. That something was slowly destroying his marriage and he couldn’t even see it.

CRUSH FINAL 2

Personally…

I can’t sit here and type, and say that I have never struggled in this area. Early in my marriage and before I truly understood the consequences, I would somehow spot a beautiful woman. If I was at work, I’d get distracted with one woman in particular. If I went out with friends to a restaurant, a particular waitress might catch my eye and, you guessed it, I’d keep going back for looks. It required no communication between the two of us, the looking and wondering was enough. These innocent occasions became a primary contributor to the decay of my marriage. At the time, “I didn’t know or understand,” was a convenient excuse. But now I know and NOW I take action to protect my marriage. Oh, and by the way, NOW you know TOO! Keep reading…

Who might not understand?

First off, the newlywed man might not get what I’m saying. Why? Because when marriage is new and fresh, his bride is every bit his crush. In most cases, both spouses have attempted to be at the top of their game for each other. And there is very little history to make you want or think you need another woman.

Hear my words newlywed men, do everything you can to protect your marriage right from the start! Understand that looking at other women with lustful eyes will only damage the view you have for your bride. No matter what, do everything you can to make her the only woman gaining your affection. AND if you find yourself being brought into the beauty of another woman, do what you can to control your emotions, get out of the situation and if needed refer to these 5 tips.

The second type of man who might not understand is the man in denial. Typically, this will be the man who has been married for some time. The years have maybe taken its toll on the marriage and there is plenty of history to use as excuses.  He might have one woman in particular he likes, or he might have multiples set up at different areas.

Hear my words men. “Stop, look and listen men; are you in denial about the habits, thoughts and actions that are threatening your marriage? Are you blatantly permitting your marriage to be destroyed? Just because the years have rolled on, a nuclear argument had occurred, or the communication has dried up,  doesn’t permit us to fix  our issues by finding someone else. Find help now! Get out of your comfort zone and talk about your marriage concerns with a trustworthy and stable married male friend or pastor. Hiding your problems will only seek to force you out of your comfort zone in a much more costly way. Let him know what has been going on in your marriage and seek to find a resolution to your problems. Whatever you do, do not seek advice on how to fix your marriage from one of the women you secretly (or openly) like. More on that topic here.

If you think your situation is different or requires more specialized attention, please use the Contact Page link at the top right corner. Let’s talk it out.

What does the Word say?

A great section of verses for this type of scenario can be found in Mathew 19:1-10. The Pharisees are doing their classic test questions against Jesus about the topics of marriage and divorce.

Jesus responded with some critical information for them and for us. Having a secret crush is plain out sexual immorality. And this is one of the only reasons it is acceptable to entertain divorce. Another important thing to note is that husbands are to cleave to their wife. Husbands are to become ONE with THEIR WIFE, not their secret crush. Dig in and read the rest of this verse section if you haven’t yet. Start praying now that, if you’re in this scenario, God would bring closure and clarity to your situation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What’s the Bottom Line?

Your wife should be the only crush you have in your life (other than Jesus). She is the one you chose to say your Vows to and she is the one you swore your love to for the rest of your life. To seek a crush elsewhere would question your very integrity. It would violate the very laws of what it means to be a good and faithful husband.

And in the case you didn’t read the above paragraphs and need to know why your secret crush could destroy your marriage. Here are 3 reasons why you need to stop seeing her and 3 ways to help you in the future.

Why you need to stop seeing her NOW.

1) Because you’re are a ONE WOMAN man, and your wife deserves your all.

2) Because a secret crush will destroy you and your marriage (matter of time)

3) Because Jesus has made you one flesh with your wife. To betray your wife would be to betray Jesus.

3 tools to help you in the future.

1) Open up and be honest about your situation with a friend NOW. Confess it, explain it, seek forgiveness and start working past it.

2) The next time the opportunity comes up to see her. Man Up and either get in and get out or request that your wife handle the situation or duty at hand.

3) Get humble and start praying for your wife and your marriage. Make your focus more on Jesus and your wife. It’ll change everything…

What are some ways you’re able to avoid distractions and stay focused on your marriage?

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  • Kevin Schouten

    This is an excellent post! I too can speak from experience and can’t stress enough the necessity of protection. Build a wall around your marriages men! Do everything you can to protect your relationship with your bride! You have to be intentional about this. A strategy I learned a few years ago was redirection. Every single time a woman begins to catch your eye, or enter your thoughts, immediately shift your thoughts to your wife. Think about your love for her, and hers for you.

    • Great strategy Kevin! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

  • Obedience to the doctrine of being a one-woman man has fallen on hard times. I think men know this truth in their minds, but end up ignoring it when temptations arrive. I know that’s happened to me at least, seeing as I’ve had to make recent commitments to not visit certain websites because of how they portray women. That’s one of the enemy’s vile tricks, pushing us to simply “forget” about God and cause us to think that sin is harmless. I always appreciate articles like this. We need to be aware of this difficult battle every day.

    • Thanks Justin… Being aware if the great starting point, being consistent afterwards is key. Appreciate your insight.

  • Laura

    “And this [immorality] is one of the only reasons it is acceptable to entertain divorce.”

    >>>>>>ABUSE (and not just physical abuse) is an “acceptable” reason to divorce.<<<<<<

    Be careful, my young friend, to not be too quick to speak. Many women have been trapped in abusive marriages, and many killed, as a result of believing they were "not allowed to divorce."

    Jesus cares more about people than an institution (of marriage), IF given the choice.

    OTHER THAN THAT, I LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS ARTICLE!!! THANK YOU FOR SHARING IT. IT WILL HELP MANY PEOPLE…

    • Prophet George W Bush PBUH

      define abuse

      • Third Elijah

        God cares about marriage thats why he said adultery is the only ground for divorce and only because of the hardness of our hearts. We are suppose to forgive when cheated but because our hearts are hard we can divorce.

    • Third Elijah

      God cares about marriage thats why he said adultery is the only ground for divorce and only because of the hardness of our hearts. We are suppose to forgive when cheated but because our hearts are hard we can divorce. Marriage is one of the two things that God allowed Adam and Eve to leave Eden with

  • Laura

    I have four sons, whom I adore, and have passed this article, and this blog, to them 🙂

    • Hey Laura! Great to hear and appreciate it!

  • Nice post man. I’m sharing it.
    A good friend of mine sat down when I was married about 6 months. He identified that a young woman I worked with had a crush on me. I had no idea. It was an awkward conversation, but he was brave enough to have it. He opened my eyes and helped me safeguard my marriage. 16 years later I’m so glad he did.

    • Joe, thanks for sharing your story. We need more men like your friend! Keep your marriage going strong brother!

  • Tune My Heart Lord Jesus

    Above the “secret crush” temptation is the root cause- Lust, covered by the worst sin of all- Pride- that sin that says “I don’t have that sin; I have it all under control; I can look and not lust, see: I shall look once, twice, and a third time…..”

    • Thanks for speaking truth!

  • This is a great, and needed post!! Thanks for sharing truth Bryan.

  • Laura

    “Make your focus more on Jesus and your wife.”

    KEEP YOUR FOCUS ON JESUS ALONE…KEEP SURRENDERING… 🙂

  • Prophet George W Bush PBUH

    Love your post Bryan, but I never understand why there are so many women commenters here. Its “manturity”…..what part of “man” do they not understand? (sigh) Some of these broads simply dont understand how their female “hear me roar” pride interferes with our walk with Christ and thus, our growth. Sorry, just venting. I find that I grow the most in Christ in my men’s group. No women allowed and I don’t discuss with my wife what was said there. We don’t spend time conversing about our new hair-do or the new purse we bought. No, its about masterbation……lust …..adultery………porn……alcohol…..drugs…..backseat drivers……child support……male grief……fathering……..being a good husband…..work(or lack thereof)……and all kinds of other personal struggles men have, none of which a woman can possibly identify with from the male perspective.

    • Melissa Thornton

      First, I hope you understand how offensive it is to call women “broads.” Women aren’t “broads” we are people. People desperate to understand that exact “male perspective” that you speak of. Some because we are interested, some to better ourselves and others to try to save marriages that may be falling apart. The women on here are trying to do the one thing that alot of these articles say we should and that’s better understand the men in our lives. Don’t knock us for trying to do the right thing.

      • monicall

        you are right melissa. I am a woman trying to find advice and resource to help me explain to my husband how his behavior is ruining our marriage. My search brought me to this article. I want to learn from others and send him to sites like this so he can read it from a man’s point of view instead of just hearing it from me ( a broad). I felt so relieved to read this article and know that I’m not crazy for feeling hurt, threatened and betrayed by lust (and the denial of its existience). And to learn that there are men who actually understand how damaging it is lifted my heart. I also finally saw in writing the key issue I’m struggling with from one of the guest post who wrote; “the worst sin of all- Pride- that sin that says “I don’t have that sin; I have it all under control; I can look and not lust, see: I shall look once, twice, and a third time…..” Wow, that made me feel not alone, I felt understood. As a human being, not male vs female, there should be value in knowing you’ve helped another human being find peace and maybe save a marriage.

      • monicall

        you are right melissa. I am a woman trying to find advice and resource to help me explain to my husband how his behavior is ruining our marriage. My search brought me to this article. I want to learn from others and send him to sites like this so he can read it from a man’s point of view instead of just hearing it from me ( a broad). I felt so relieved to read this article and know that I’m not crazy for feeling hurt, threatened and betrayed by lust (and the denial of its existience). And to learn that there are men who actually understand how damaging it is lifted my heart. I also finally saw in writing the key issue I’m struggling with from one of the guest post who wrote; “the worst sin of all- Pride- that sin that says “I don’t have that sin; I have it all under control; I can look and not lust, see: I shall look once, twice, and a third time…..” Wow, that made me feel not alone, I felt understood. As a human being, not male vs female, there should be value in knowing you’ve helped another human being find peace and maybe save a marriage.

  • TheThinker

    If you are still crushing on other women, it means that you just are not that into your wife, otherwise you wouldn’t be interested in other women.

    • I’m not sure you’re getting the point of the article, husbands should not be “crushing” on other women in the first place. His eyes and heart should only be towards the woman be vowed his life to. If he can’t keep his eyes locked, he need not get married.

  • Steven Bordeaux

    Good article. One thing though – would the ladies please stop commenting on a site meant for men? As far as I know, men don’t go around commenting on women’s only sites – if they do, they’re jerks. I can understand one adding a woman’s POV every now and then, but virtually every article I’ve looked at on this site has several comments from angry females slamming the writer for being this or that. This is a men’s site, please save your comments for woman-turity.

    • Thanks for reading and commenting Steven. I do agree with your statement, but it’s just something I have had to get use to. Overall it’s been pretty even when it comes to good and bad comments. As long as the lives of men are impacted, I will keep pushing forward!

    • Melissa Thornton

      The reason so many women are on here is because alot of them are at the end of their rope in a marriage they are desperate to save. Can you really blame them for trying to get a man’s point of view? I’m not here to slam anyone. I’m here to better understand the man in my life.

      • Steven Bordeaux

        Totally understand and sympathize, but the impression I got was that this website was supposed to be a sort of “safe space” for Christian men to talk about their issues. There are many female-oriented sites that are similar, and I would personally find it jerkish for a man to comment with a bunch of mansplaining while women are discussing their own issues. For me the female comments (some of them man-bashing, some not) just create this vibe where “I better watch what I say or some woman will get offended (like you probably are now).” Sorry, I didn’t mean to single you out personally, but I’m just responding to your comment – very belatedly.

        • Melissa Thornton

          I’m not offended. It takes a lot more than that to offend me. Trust me, men do go on “women’s sites” and comment all the time. I didn’t see any thing that asked if I was a man or required me to be in order to comment though. I belong to a site where they actually require a copy of your driver’s license to join so if you want a truly men only website, then why don’t you start one? Until then c’est la vie. Also, do you realize how hypocritical your comment was? I find it pretty ironic that you’re obviously offended by my presence on this site while stating that your reason for being offended by it is your assumption that all women are easily offended! That’s just funny. Sorry, I’m just being BLATANTLY honest. Which is the word I think you meant to use.

  • MSD

    Thank you for posting this. I found your website when I googled, why are some married men so sleazy. I have a married man at work literally stalking me and the worst part, I haven’t even said hello to him. I avoid him like plague, once he was about to take the same elevator as me and I said, I had forgotten something .But he still doesn’t give up. You know how that makes me feel? Dirty. What the hell is wrong with him? I know he is married, he is probably in his 40’s and I’m in my mid 20’s, so you can imagine how perverted that is. Now, I’m starting to fear for my life. What happens to married men? All the men who are single or newly married men at my work are complete sweethearts. Why is this man such a creep?

    • I’m sorry to hear about your situation. It was interesting to hear that what you googled brought up my site. I hope that’s a good thing 🙂

      First off, I want to say that this is certainly not the case with all married men and it’s great to hear that the younger men are still a gentlemen.

      I also want to mention that his behavior has nothing to do with what you’re doing. It is very, very likely that his marriage is in a bad spot and probably has been for some years now. He is likely lonely and instead of seeking help to resolve the issues in his marriage, he is seeking answers elsewhere. Unfortunately, you are taking the brunt of it and I’m sorry for that.

      I can’t say I know the answer to the problem, but I would highly suggest you mention the issue to someone you trust at work or even your HR department. Even though he has a wife and probably needs to work, he needs to know that his behavior is way out of line and needs to be corrected. I would bet that if he was confronted by someone about the situation, that would wake him up and cause him to back off.

      I would mention something sooner than later. Be safe and take some time to pray for direction. I hope this was helped in some way.

    • Sarah

      Wanted to chime in on this lady’s post. When I was in my 20’s and worked a corporate job in a male dominated field, I saw a lot of what you describe. Any woman who was at least a 6 on a scale of 1 to 10 would get the brunt of such behavior. But it was especially bad for anyone who was an 8 or above. One single male colleague in his 40’s (who was engaged) actually started stalking an attractive colleague in her mid 20’s. He would watch her through a telephoto lens and snap photos of her. Then he made a website with her photos and left her the url to it on Valentine’s Day. He was promptly fired. (Thank Goodness). I have noticed that men can really let lust rule them if they are not careful. I agree that you should report this to HR. Even if a guy is having a rough spot in his marriage, it doesn’t justify creeping around other women. I don’t think many men realize how frightening it is to women because we have the impression we are being hunted and that is NOT a good feeling. Because, after all, predators who are on the hunt in the wild usually do very bad things to their prey. It’s not a good feeling being on the receiving end.

  • Sarah

    Thank you so much for writing this article. You have given me hope that men can and should get over secret crushes. This has been the one sticking point in my marriage because its so extreme. Before I married in my twenties I was a fitness model. But I also have a graduate degree and had a professional job where I made 6 figures. And I am a gourmet cook. But, I have noticed that my husband has at least 1 crush at work until it runs its course. I was pretty sure the last crush woukd be the end of our marriage and I was heartbroken. Luckily for our two children we have kept it together. Thank you for pointing out that this is corrosive to a marriage. I have also figured out it has nothing to do with how sweet I am or how pretty I am. It’s a temptation that a lot of men seem to have. I think this article is going to save marriages. Having loving, stable homes in which to raise children is the best gift we can give to our children and society. Having secret crushes errodes all of that.