1 Look, 2 Look, 3 Look, More

I’ve read the articles about men and their problem with lust, adultery and more. I’ve experienced the fall myself and have heard of and seen many men fall into dark traps that deal with these issues. But where does it stop? Can it be stopped? And how?

The idea with the title is simple. It all starts with that first look.

1) The first look, in my opinion, happens by chance or by the turn of the head.

 2) But the web really begins with that second look. Once that second look happens, your web starts to grow. You somehow allow or convince yourself that what is happening is ‘suddenly’ acceptable. This look is more involved and takes in a lot more information; height, weight, skin, etc.

 3) This, of course, allows that greedy third look at her. This may not be at the same moment as the first few looks, but it may happen shortly thereafter or maybe the next day. The third look is intense and convincing. This is the look that causes a married man to question his marriage. This is the look that opens your heart up and allows the little pieces of her to slowly seep in.

 More) This is the look that leads to the final stage which is ‘more‘. More is of course the most dangerous and can cause the most damage. More ends marriages. ‘More’ makes you do irrational things and makes you loose your typical senses. More is you completely tangled in a large, well built web that is difficult to get out of leads to big problems.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Life is certainly a tangled web that we have to crawl through each day. I always refer back to the enemy, because I truly believe that he inserts that female at the right moment, knowing that we’ll be attracted just to test us. Just to see if he can start the process of the ‘looks’. Once he can work his way into your heart, the process begins. This is simply a sport to the enemy and he is always looking for new players.

I say all of this because I have been there, still fight the battle with the enemy and have found ways to cure it. The curing process is not easy and not always a fast, but it is a process that needs to start now. It doesn’t matter what stage of ‘looks’ you are on or how deep you are in; you have to begin to heal.

The first step to healing is CONFESSION. I know, this is not the first nature of a man to admit that he is or was wrong, but that is the first step. Confession is a two way road. The first one is to find a friend. Find a friend from Church or just a friend that you can trust and open up your heart. Tell him everything that has happened or even fears of what you think will happen and be completely honest. A good friend will not judge at this point, but should aim to simply listen and advise if possible.

Maybe you know of someone who has been through these issues and made it through? This would be a great person to talk to. Set up a personal meeting with your pastor and work it out with him. There are a lot of options to consider in this process, but you have to be WILLING to take the first step.

The second part is to confess your sins to Christ. None of us are perfect, we all make mistakes and He knows. Ask him for his guidance and assistance and continue to ask him daily. Ransomed Heart, led by John Eldredge, has an awesome Prayer for Sexual Healing. Read this, study it, and pray it each and everyday and watch the amazing power of Christ heal you and your life.

Share your story of redemption in the comments below.

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 “When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. -James 1

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  • hxck

    These articles are retarded, based of double standards and ignoring basic psychology. Women and men suffer from these scenarios equally yet the couple articles i’ve read on the subject (including this one) are directed towards men.

    • Please understand that the articles on this site are written by men, and for men. We do encourage women or anyone to read the articles, but the goal of the site is to build up, encourage and establish maturity in men. Thank you.

      • Brie

        Good stuff Bryan, keep it up. It only will work if you actually want to do the right things. Oddly enough, being a woman I’ve avoided these looks (coming from myself) since high school because I didn’t want relationships for fear of having sex before marriage or getting pregnant at a young age.
        Now that I’m single of going on 10 months now (out of an 8 year relationship) I am trying to learn how to relax and become a part of that world so that I may find a nice, Christian, mature and at least wanting to be responsible type of man.
        So thanks again for spreading your wisdom, it is true just many don’t want to bother controlling themselves as the Bible instructs.

        • Brie, thanks for adding your thoughts and kind comments. You’re exactly right, people need to be aware of the problem and want to WANT to fix their lust issue. All the more reason for people to have tools like what is mentioned in the post.
          Keep searching for that man, he’s out there! Thanks again.

    • ByeByeUSA AsWeKnowIt

      Hence…MANturity.com

    • Lisa M

      It’s incredibly different for most women. Most women do not lust visually.

      I encourage you to read the books, “For Women Only” and “For Men Only” to learn more about this difference. There is some overlap but the majority of women are not tempted to lust by merely one or even five looks. Women can and do lust but it’s entirely different.

  • Em

    I have to say that this article over-simplifies lust. It is not the number of times of looks, how long you look, or how you look at the party. Lust is all in the mind. Your mind wants to feed itself more information on the other party you are lusting on and thus you find yourself looking. People can fall in lust even with just one look. Even without the 2nd or 3rd look, one can find their mind wandering and replaying images of the other party.

    One can make a conscientious effort to push such thoughts out of one’s mind. By focusing on what is important to him or her – his or her partner, his or her family, his or her reputation; and that whatever fleeting feelings you have for the other party you are lusting for, is just not meant to be. Keep going back to that, and seek strength from these reasons rather than focusing on “the number of looks”.

    • Em, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I can appreciate your point of view on the topic and your reasoning. This post was not intended to be a “catch all” for lust, but a good tool for men to use as they encounter individuals each day.
      As a man, there have been many times I’ll get that first glimpse and really want to look again, but I know I shouldn’t and so I do my best not too. If I do look, and other men have agree with me on this, that is when things can get worse. And yes, before going in for another look it is good advice to move your mind to things that really matter.
      Both ideas are great solutions for an ongoing problem. Thanks again.

      • mv

        I think this is a great list if it were about pornography, but I think to an extent it may miss the mark when dealing with real live people. The goal shouldn’t be to train ourselves as men not to look as women, but rather to see them as more than (sexual) objects. Subverting our eyes, avoiding contact, etc. reinforces (to an extent) the idea that women are only their bodies, and only for gratification/lust. Instead I believe our goal should be to look at all people, men and women, the way God does and to love as unconditionally as Christ.

        1 Samuel 16:7 – “… The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”

        • I agree with most of your statements, but disagree that the issue is only relevant to pornography. Men that have lust issues are not always heavy into pornography.
          I do agree that we should all strive to look and love as Christ did, but we have all fallen. And I believe we have all fallen in our own ways. Whether it be lust, addictions or self righteousness, we all have our downfalls.
          With some men (and I only say men, cause that’s all I know well), they have a bigger problem with lust than others. My buddy might not have trouble with lust, but he could have bad alcohol problems. A man struggling with lust should have a goal to see all women as Christ, and have tools (like this article) can help him overcome his issues all the more and faster. Thanks again for adding your thoughts.

  • curl

    Bryan excellent article. Simplifies it for those who are serious about their relationships. For those in constant proximity it helps to think of that person as your sister or mother as scripture states. Reading Gods word daily brings strength and endurance. In marriage think of yourselves as Adam and Eve everyone else did not matter.

    • Great advice Curl. I appreciate you adding your insight on the topic.

  • Trish

    “I truly believe that he inserts that female at the right moment” ???? Females are everywhere. Actually the enemy offers excuses to sin. The woman or man is not the problem. The enemy attacks on the mind and thought level.

  • Sandra Ellis

    YES that female is part of satans plan in some cases, women too have to recognize when the enemy is using them to taunt the eyes of another. Its a sad cycle but I do believe if a man loves his wife he will quickly avoid that eye contact! after that first notice…(Ive been the injured. I’ve been in that situation as the person who was done wrong and I can tell you its very painful but a lot of times “Those women” do not care! They have a goal, and they are out to destroy that relationship, family, and that current bond between that man and women and their family…pretty sad if you ask me..and YES ITs what DIVORCE is made of in most cases..”that other women” OR “MAN” ..they may end up with them but sad to say even that usually doesn’t work…Once a cheater always a cheater’ until they get that HELP and make up their minds they are done with that lifestyle. Losing someone you love or feeling that infidelity is NOT a GOOD FEELING*

    • Thanks for sharing your heart Sandra. I’m sorry to hear about your experiences and pray you continue to stay faithful through it all.

  • Shannon Volltrauer

    Solid and well written. Thank you for writing to men on this. As a woman, well aware of “The Look Game”, I will continue to 1) Seek to display Christ and respect mens hearts AND wives both visually and emotionally and 2) teach other women about our side if this — when we recognize the look, to not participate and play off of that. — For us all, God is a very present help in trouble, and His kindness leads us to repentance.

    • Great perspective Shannon. Sounds like you have a great understanding of both sides. It makes a huge difference when you can realize that neither side is wrong, just different.

  • anonimous

    It is just a matter of character. There are those who have it – and others who don’t have it (and I thank God I was raised in a community where my male boys friends, were all of them ‘boys of character’; who became man of character; and husbnad of character. Because … we are in Portugal? Maybe… ). I’m 54 years old. Married the same woman for almost 30 years (As those male friends of mine…). And I never kissed another women except my wife, in my entire life.

    • I do believe it is a matter of character. But I also believe that there are men who were never taught it. The men who were never taught it need someone to teach it to them. As followers of Christ, we should always have the hope that they can change. That’s where I pray these articles make an impact. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

  • Pearly Ayala

    If only men can see women as a mother, sister, and daughter then they wouldn’t lust. I mean if a man sees his mom in a bikini will he lust after her?! So keep your eyes for your wife sir, PLEASE!!!! Men, how you live your life effects others will you hurt or heal women. See women like Jesus…

    • Pearly, thanks for adding your opinion. I agree with what you said, but all remember that there is an enemy out there and he seeks out to destroy. For some people, that comes in the form of lust and adultery. The goal with these articles is to make men aware of the issue, give them some tools to help them fight and seek God for ultimate healing. “See women like Jesus” is a great line and so true.

  • kj

    Good Article and good points Bryan. These are great tips, as I have and continue to struggle with these mental temptations (although getting much better). While certianly confessing these sins to Jesus is the most important and I have, I also either correctly/incorrectly have involved sharing my thoughts and struggles with my wife in a lot of detail. While the honestly is great, it has really hurt our marriage when I tell her these things and has certainly led to trust issues. Something as simple as I just thought of someone else. My question is not what the fix of the thoughts are, but more so the communication level with your spouse on these struggles? Any suggestions or feedback would be appreciated.

    • Lisa M

      I’m a wife.

      Don’t tell her.

      You’ll crush her.

  • trixietimez

    the reason “Christians” fall so badly and so spectacularly, is that they use these ridiculous rules to try and deny human nature and sexuality. Humans are basically animals, we just are. All of our behaviors come from the very brain, hormones, and emotions, “god” gave us. Honestly, the people I’ve known who have been the most dirty minded, and likely to cheat, were those that were told over and over that what they feel is wrong, and just praying and reading verses is going to change how they feel about someone. There is “enemy” and no one puts another person in your life as some sort of test. That’s ludicrous.

  • Lisa M

    Thank you for writing this. For the first 10 years of our marriage I was painfully aware of my husband’s “look habit.” I felt so hurt and ashamed and it nearly destroyed me. He grabbed hold of it and turned it completely around.

    Now our marriage exceeds everything we ever dreamed of. It was worth the honesty and hard work.

    • Angel

      How did he turn it around? I would really appreciate that info! I’m very happy to hear that he was able to make that change for the both of you!

  • Katy

    Hello! I’m a struggling with something similar!
    I’ve met my boyfriend in July.we started dating after 3 months but I was attracted to him since 3 years. I did the first step , I talked to him on Facebook then we fell in love deeply. We were really in love, he is also close to God.
    I’m also devoted to serve god in everything I do , I’m thinking a happy and godly marriage.
    We were really in love and we sacrified a lot of things for our relationship.
    In January he went abroad to study for 3 months I did my best to make him feel like I am always there and distance can’t stop our love( I wrote letters, videos, a surprise valentine dinner with decoration on Skype, other creative ideas) but he didn’t do the same , the communication between us became very poor.
    I felt like I am doing a lot things for him but he isn’t doing anything.
    I felt like he doesn’t care about my feelings. It really affected me.
    I’ve told him that we’re talking a lot but always he says that he’s studying and tired.
    Then I saw that guy in church , he seemed really nice . Plus he’s my type , he talked to me so that I can join the choir and sing with him.
    I felt something for him like I want that kind of adventure again.
    Then I saw on Facebook that he was married, I was choked , I’m not the kind of girl who wants to steal a husband from his wife.
    I can’t deny I’m still feeling so thing for him and today we talked a bit more since i was singing with him but i noticed he isn’t wearing his marriage ring! Weird! I feel like he wants to be close to me but something is stopping him from that! I don’t know I need help !
    If he wasn’t married and I weren’t in a relationship I would have thought about a future with him! But he’s the kind of man I love ! He has everything I want in a man! I don’t know what I shall do ! Plus my boufriend is coming soon and I don’t feel anything for him ….